A Fowl Fairytale
by TheQueenOfTheFoxes
Summary: Colfer's characters in a convoluted fairy tale. Pure crack.


**Hello! If you've read my other Fowl Fic, Days of Orion, then this fic should be excitedly expected! If not, then welcome to the fic. The original idea came from a chapter of the aforementioned fic. Read it. Hey, everyone, reviews are loved!**

**Fox**

**I don't own Artemis Fowl**

Once upon a time. Isn't that how fairy tales start? Well, normal fairy tales. This one is anything but normal. For one thing, the fairies are not miniature flowery, sparkly, tinkling creatures. No, they are child-sized, technologically advanced, only-sometimes-tinkling creatures. When they use their Mesmer.

And the Prince Charming of this story isn't very charming. In fact, if anyone ever called him charming to his face, he would probably have his best knight, Sir Butler, chop off their head.

And every good fairy tale needs a villain, right? Well, this one has three. Granted, two of them are not very smart, and are more like henchmen than anything, but they're still evil. Or perhaps they're just stupid.

Prince Artemis Fowl used to be greedy. Thankfully, the people of the fairy kingdom like Princess Holly and King Root had changed that.

Prince Artemis had a sworn enemy: Opal Koboi, the evil Witch. Artemis and his fairy friends had imprisoned her in the deepest, blackest, dankest hole in the kingdom: The Hole of Doom. Prince Artemis, who was very smart, did not choose the name.

What Artemis didn't know was that Opal the Witch had two evil accomplices: Merv and Scant, whom Opal liked to call Dopey and Sneezy. They helped Opal to get out of the Hole of Doom in return for an island paradise vacation when Opal took over the kingdom.

But first, Opal wanted revenge on Prince Artemis Fowl the Second.

Opal traveled to the Fowl Castle, where Price Artemis lived, disguised as a little human girl called Belinda.

Queen Angeline, Prince Artemis's mother, loved children. She found Belinda outside the castle and took her to get some food from the royal kitchens, because it was in the job description of being a mother that she always had to think children weren't eating enough. She took her job very seriously.

After stuffing Belinda to the brim with all kinds of royal foods prepared by the chef/maid/knight Juliet, Queen Angeline took Belinda to play with her two sons, Prince Miles and Prince Beckett.

This is where Prince Artemis and Princess Holly found her, pretending to play scientist with the twins while actually plotting about how to get even with Artemis.

Of course, Holly and Artemis saw through her disguise immediately, because she stupidly wore the same costume she had worn when she tried to take over the kingdom before.

Princess Holly had her Neutrino 3000 out immediately, but before Prince Artemis had the chance to duck behind the princess and use her body as a shield, Opal the Witch whipped out her wand and cast a spell on Prince Artemis, then jumped out a nearby window.

Luckily or unluckily, depending on how you look at it, they were on the ground floor of Fowl Castle, so Opal was not squished. Instead she sprinted away cackling until they lost sight of her.

Holly dropped down beside Prince Artemis, who had been knocked out cold by Opal's spell. Princess Holly called his name, trying to wake him up, but then realized that she sounded exactly like the female love interests of any male protagonist who is unconscious in those mud man movies she often watched with Artemis, so stopped calling his name and started slapping him.

The slapping worked much better than the name-calling. The Prince opened his eyes.

"Fair Princess! At last!" Princess Holly knew immediately that something was wrong. She might have been a princess, but she was also a trained and qualified captain of the LEP, and smarter than the average goblin. Prince Artemis never called her "fair".

"Your loveliness is beyond anything I have ever dreamed! Never have I laid eyes on such beauty, such brilliance, such angelic features! Your eyes, they shine like polished gems, your hair is the perfect sunset, your nose has been carved by Michelangelo-"

Princess Holly realized that this was definitely not Prince Artemis. She pointed her Neutrino at him.

"Who are you and where is Prince Artemis?"

A few minutes later, Princess Holly had called an emergency meeting and dragged the so-called Prince Orion to the conference room. Sir Butler, Artemis' top knight, Foaly, the royal right-hand centaur, Mulch, the court jester, and Juliet, the no-one-really-knows-what-exactly-she-does, were already waiting.

Holly grabbed Orion's hand and dragged the boy to the front of the room. He gazed moonily at her.

"First of all: Mulch, why are you here?" The hairy, yet admittedly funny, court jester shrugged his shoulders and continued to gnaw on a turkey leg. "Whatever," The Princess continued, "We have a Code-67 on our hands."

Sir Butler burst out of his chair.

"No. 1 is trying to feed the dragons again?" Holly shook her head.

"Sorry, not sixty seven. I meant: We have a Code-_5_7 on or hands.

Foaly burst out of his seat this time.

"Opal the Witch has escaped and cursed Price Artemis?"

"Exactly," Holly said, "Meet Prince… Orion." As Holly explained the situation, Foaly groaned, Mulch laughed, Sir Butler looked puzzled, and Orion kept trying to touch Holly's hair.

"So," Butler said after Holly was finished, "We need to find Opal the Witch, make her turn Artemis back, and then find a deeper Pit?"

Holly nodded.

"That sounds about right. Everyone ready?" Mulch raised his hand.

"Do I have to go?"

"Yes," Holly said firmly, "We'll probably need your pungent-yet-useful talents." Mulch nodded thoughtfully.

"They are pretty pungent." The group nodded their agreement.

An few minutes later found Princess Holly and Co. explaining to Trouble Kelp/Hood and his Not-So-Merry-Men what they were doing, why they were doing it, and that she would do it with or without his approval. Without his approval it was, then.

Holly secured a coach for them, complete with the latest navigation system and top-of-the-line boosters. "Coach" was only the royal name for the vehicle, Holly and the other recon jocks preferred to call them shuttles.

The Right-Hand Centaur reluctantly signed out six pairs of his new wings, now sparkle-free, Sir Butler brought more weapons than were strictly necessary, Orion for some reason brought a pebble he had found on the ground, and they were off on the search for Opal the Witch Koboi.

Princess Holly beat her forehead on the controls for the umpteenth time. They had been flying aimlessly around for five hours now, and seen not a trace of Opal the Witch. On top of this, while Mulch was generally the most annoying creature in whatever room he happened to be in, he had been one-upped by the anomaly that was Orion Fowl.

The first hour and a half had been filled with her beauty being compared to a variety of things, from a plate of spaghetti to Aphrodite. Orion had even been able to come up with a simile using an armadillo, which was fairly impressive.

When Foaly had finally threatened to trample him if he didn't be quiet about Holly's beauty, he had taken out his pebble, claimed it was magical, and started trying to make it dance. His methods had included throwing the small stone at Foaly, rubbing the pebble in Holly's hair, and trying to feed the rock to Mulch. This escapade had ended when Juliet tossed the rock out the shuttle window.

After glaring at Juliet for a few minutes, Orion had taken off his royal robe. Then his shoes and socks. Then his shirt. After staring bemusedly at him while Orion undressed, Butler stopped him just before he removed his pants. Orion's explanation was that he wanted to search for his birthmark.

After this they had strapped the boy down. Unfortunately for Holly, they had strapped him in the copilot's chair.

So now Holly's head ached from repeated bashings on her own controls and Orion reciting poetry in her hear.

"Enough!" she finally yelled. "Orion, shut up! Foaly, find a way to find Opal, or I will personally knock you out, shave you, sell you to a circus, and handcuff Orion to you. In that order."

The terrifying prospect of being handcuffed to Orion was enough motivation to propel Foaly to the front of the shuttle and settle down in front of the locator.

"There is one thing that might work," he suggested, "But we're going to need help. Since Artemis is AWOL, we need another genius. You're not going to like this, but we need Lady Minerva."

"No Foaly, definitely not. There has got to be another way." Holly objected, "Aren't you a genius?"

"I am," Foaly said proudly, "But Lady Minerva has something I do not. A magic locator."

"A magic locator?" Holly ground out.

"Yes. Nothing we have will be able to locate Opal, but Lady Minerva's magic locator will see through any enchantment or distance, and find the witch even if she's on Pluto."

"But Foaly…"

"Holly, you have to do it. For Artemis." Holly scowled.

"Fine. But you owe me big time, pony boy. BIG TIME. I mean _BIG TIME_. Do you understand?"

"I do Holly. We appreciate your sacrifice. To Castle Paradizo!"

Princess Holly hated Lady Minerva Paradizo with a passion. The reason being Minerva had once dated Artemis Fowl. Not only that, but while they were dating, Minerva had done her best to get Holly kicked out of the LEPrecon. And out of the lives of the Fowl royal family.

The amusing thing about this was that Holly didn't think Artemis was even aware that he was dating Minerva, or what Minerva was trying to do. At the time he had been deeply immersed in a project with Foaly, and wouldn't have noticed a bull troll charging him.

Eventually Holly had grown so fed up with Lady Minerva that she simply stunned her, tied her up, and dragged her back to Castle Paradizo. A week later Price Artemis noticed she was missing. Holly simply told him that Minerva had died. Artemis found out the truth from Foaly.

So, even if Holly hadn't still hated Lady Minerva, the chances were very small that she was going to hand over this locator thingy. They needed a plan. Preferably, Holly thought, a violent one.

Upon landing the shuttle on the grounds of Castle Paradizo, the six trooped across the yard to ring the castle bell. Of course, they couldn't get that far without a fight.

Where had Lady Paradizo gotten a dragon? They were extremely illegal in this part of the kingdom, because of all the flammable farms around the countryside. In any case, there was a huge, black dragon on the lawn before them.

They all stopped, sizing each other up. Then the dragon belched fire at them, and they all dived out of the way. Holly, Foaly, Mulch, Juliet, and Orion looked at Sir Butler. This was his forte, after all. 

"Right," Growled Butler, "I'm glad I brought my Sig Sword." He drew the sword from its sheath, and charged the dragon. It was a quick fight. The dragon bent down to meet the knight, attempting to bite him in half, and Sir Butler Leapt onto its head, ran over to its neck, and stabbed.

"Well, that was easy," Butler remarked. Holly shook her head.

"Second hand dragons. Not worth the gold."

"You idiots!" They heard a shriek, and turned towards the door to see Lady Minerva running towards them, pink dress flapping behind her. She reached them and stood panting, hands on her knees. She held up a finger.

"Ok. You idiots! That wasn't a guard dragon! That was Bobo's pet!"

Butler gulped, looking at the dragon.

"Err… I'm very sorry Lady Minerva, I didn't know. I'll pay to replace it."

"Of course you will! And why are you even here?" Minerva glared at Holly. "I do have an actual guard dragon, you know. Better make it quick." Foaly pushed forward to the front of the group.

"Ah-hem. Lady Minerva, I don't believe we've met. Foaly, Prince Artemis's Right-Hand Centaur." He held out his right hand. Minerva didn't shake it. "Right." Foaly dropped the hand. "Well, the thing is, we need your Magical Locator."

Minerva actually laughed.

"My locator? And what makes you think I would give it to you?"

"Well," Foaly elbowed Holly, who had opened her mouth, "We need it to find Opal the Witch. She cursed Prince Artemis, and we need to cure him." He pulled Orion forward.

"Greetings, noble lady. I am Orion Fowl, your servant." Orion swept into a low bow. Minerva stared at the youth.

"Incredible. I don't suppose you could leave him here for a few days for me to do some tests? The state his mind must be in right now… fascinating."

"Look, mud girl," Holly managed to bite Foaly's thumb to get his hand off her mouth, "Just give us the locator, and we won't feed you to your own guard dragon." Minerva crossed her arms.

"Well, that's not the way to get my locator."

"Fine, what do you want for it?" Princess Holly ground her teeth.

"I want a demon. You get me No. 1, and then I'll give you my locator."

"Excuse, me, mud girl." Mulch elbowed his way to the front. "The name's Mulch, and I have a better idea. You like observing weird things, right?" Minerva nodded.

"Yes, I do. What did you have in mind?" Mulch grinned. Holly shuddered.

"I don't know if you are aware, but I am a dwarf. And we dwarves have a myriad of special abilities and stupendous gifts! Mud girl, if you give us that locator, I- and this is an offer not a lot of people get- I will let you watch me… burrow."

"Burrow?" Minerva was puzzled.

"Yes indeed, mud maid. It' how we travel. You see, dwarves can unhinge their jaws and burrow through the ground by ingesting dirt and, ah, ejecting it out the other end, if you catch my meaning. Now, if I remember correctly, only… three humans have ever seen this, and none have ever recorded or studied it. You… could be the first…"

Minerva paused to think about it, and Foaly, Holly, Butler, and Juliet shared incredulous looks. Mulch was acting… smart. It was unheard of.

"I will accept your offer." Minerva had made her decision. "I will go retrieve the locator and a video camera. Wait here." She turned and walked back into the house, seemingly indifferently, but they all saw the excited bounce in her step.

"Mulch…" Holly couldn't finish the sentence.

"That was…" Sir Butler tried to finish it, but also failed. Foaly was going to give it a try but Orion beat him to it.

"Incredible!" Shouted the youth. "Mulch, perhaps you should be my right hand instead of Foaly!" Mulch hurriedly shook his head.

"Oh, I don't think so, mud whelp. I don't do well with responsibilities. Thanks but no thanks."

Minerva was walking quickly back toward them.

"Ok," she said, turning on the camera and pointing it at Mulch, "I'm ready."

"I beg to differ, mud maid. If you value your life, or at least your sense of cleanliness, then I suggest everyone step back." They all complied, retreating to a safe distance. Minerva pushed the record button, and they all watched Mulch do his thing.

Minerva's jaw dropped as Mulch's mouth expanded to more than twice its original size, he took a running start, leaped, and dove into the earth like it was water. She stared at the spot where he was until he popped up beside her, showering the group with mud and grinning at Minerva, who had shrieked and jumped back.

Breathing hard, she checked the recording and shut the camera.

"Well, that certainly was fantastic. And well worth the trade. Here is the locator. Thank you for the video, Mr. Mulch.

Mulch shuddered at the address.

"Just Mulch, please. Mr. Mulch is a character in a book I once read. A really nasty fellow, too."

Foaly studied the locator and nodded in confirmation to Holly.

"Well, thanks, mud girl. See you never." She led the way back to the shuttle.

Butler called back over his shoulder:

"I'll send the money for the dragon tomorrow!" Minerva waved behind them.

Back in the shuttle, Foaly turned to Holly.

"Holly, I don't understand why you hate that girl so much. Sure she's a little uppity, but nice enough. She handed over the locator fair and square."

"Foaly, if you value your life, shut up and find the witch."

Foaly shut up and found the witch.

"She's hiding out in… it looks like we're in luck. She's only an hour away in the Northern Crystal Caves." If Artemis had been present, he would have remarked on the terrible naming of the locations in his Kingdom, and that it was too bad he could not rename them. But he wasn't there, so he didn't.

"Right. To the caves." Holly hit the accelerator, and Orion started reciting a ballad.

Three ballads, two sonnets, a limerick, and an ode later, Holly brought the shuttle to a screeching halt in front of a sparkling Crystal Cave.

"Finally!" Foaly gasped, stumbling out. "There's only so much poetry a fairy can take before he explodes."

"Don't I know it," agreed Mulch, "I don't like poetry on the best of days."

"Be quiet," snapped Princess Holly, and led the way into the Crystal Cave, neutrino out and powered up. Butler took his Sig Sword out, Foaly picked up a rock, Mulch hid behind Sir Butler, and Orion went straight to the wall of sparkling crystals growing on the side of the cave.

"They are almost as beautiful as you, my Princess!" He breathed. "But I suppose they are concealing some deadly trap, eh? If you pick one the floor disappears, or a poisonous viper will appear and attack?"

Holly shook her head, bemused.

"No, Orion, they're just crystals. Nothing happens if you take one." Orion actually seemed a bit disappointed, but then reached out and plucked a particularly rosy red one off the wall. He stared at it in wonder.

"I feel the need to compose an ode celebrating the astounding beauty contained in this gem," he sighed.

"If you say one more, word, Orion, much less recite a poem, I will personally make sure you can never open your mouth again," Holly growled, "Opal could be anywhere."

"Indeed I could, Princess Holly Short!" Opal the Witch shouted. She was perched on a makeshift throne of crystals down the hall in front of them, Merv and Scant holding platters of truffles by her side.

"Opal," Holly said, "You have about two seconds to fix Artemis before I pulverize you." She aimed her Neutrino at Opal, who laughed.

"Oh, I don't think so, my dear Princess. You see, this is just one part of my revenge on your little group of would-be-heroes. You won't leave here alive! Dopey, Sneezy, release the beast!"

Merv and Scant set down their truffles and hurried over to a previously unseen and conveniently placed gate built into the cave wall. They turned the key and swung the gate open, then hurried out of the way.

Holly caught her breath, Butler felt apprehensive, Mulch moved to the back of the group, Foaly stamped his back hoof a few times agitatedly, and Orion raised his crystal like a sword.

Out of the gate came… a chameleon.

"How cliché," Holly muttered. Then the chameleon turned red and belched a stream of fire at them. Much like the dragon, they all ducked and rolled, then looked at Sir Butler, who sighed and raised his sword. He charged the lizard, but it jumped on the wall, turned blue, and breathed a cloud of ice at Butler who managed to hit the ground with only a frozen forehead.

"Brain freeze," he groaned, clutching his head. The chameleon turned purple and looked at the rest of the group.

"I don't even want to know what purple means," Foaly muttered.

"Foaly, keep it distracted!" Holly ordered. "Mulch, Juliet, you take the twins, I'll get Opal!"

"What of me, beloved?" Orion asked, raising his crystal sword.

"Err, here," Holly unclipped a water bottle from her jumpsuit and handed it to the boy. "Hold this, guard it. And stay here." Orion looked a bit put out, but took the bottle just the same.

"Very well, my princess. I will guard it with my life. But tell me; is it the bottle or the water that is important to you?"

"The bottle," Holly answered, wondering why it mattered. Orion nodded.

"Just as I suspected. Now go, brave princess! And be careful!"

"Alright people, go, go, go!" Holly sprinted toward Opal, Mulch and Juliet headed straight for the pixie twins.

Orion watched the battle excitedly. Butler and Foaly were dancing around the lizard, well, Foaly was kind of hopping, keeping it spinning around, madly changing colors. Mulch was trying to get a grip on Merv, and Juliet was having no problem tying Scant up with his own bootlaces.

Holly had tackled Opal and the pair were struggling on the ground, more of a wrestling match than a fight; Juliet's forte. But Juliet had gone to help her brother, who had been covered in a pile of a yellow custardy substance. Foaly was frozen in grey ice, looking surprised.

Back at the pixie's side of the fight, Mulch was coating a disgusted Merv in saliva, and it was already taking effect. Holly seemed to have the upper hand, and Opal was spitting insults as she struggled.

Juliet and Butler had cornered the lizard, and as Orion watched Juliet preform a complicated triple flip over a jet of what looked like pus and grabbed the chameleon by the tail, clamping its jaw closed with her forefinger and thumb.

At the same time Juliet shouted: "Ha!" Opal the Witch shouted:

"Nobody move or I kill the Princess!" Orion decided he liked what Juliet had shouted much better. Opal had Holly pinned against the wall and was pointing Holly's Neutrino at her head. Everyone in the room froze.

"Drop your weapons!" Opal commanded.

Sir Butler put down his Sig Sword, Juliet quickly snapped a ponytail holder around the chameleon's mouth and set it on the floor, Foaly twitched inside his icy prison, Mulch lowered Merv to the ground and re-hinged his jaw, and Orion dropped his crystal sword.

"Good," said Opal, "Now, I'm going to back down this tunnel, and if any of you makes a move, Princess Short here gets it." She twisted Holly's arms behind her back and held Holly in front of her as she backed down the cave. She could see everyone. Except Orion, who was hidden in a corner behind her. In fact, no one else remembered Orion, either.

This suited Orion fine.

"Don't move," Opal repeated, and took a few more steps back. Orion struck.

From Butler's point of view, it seemed as though one second Opal the Witch was backing down the tunnel, Holly held at her own gunpoint, and the next Opal seemed to melt from the head down, the gun dropping to the floor and a nasty-colored puddle at Holly's feet.

Holly stepped quickly to the side out of the puddle, and Orion was exposed, standing behind the Opal puddle with Holly's water bottle held out in front of him, the remaining water dripping out the top.

There was a stunned silence. Then…

"Orion?" Holly looked at the boy. He looked… different.

"No, Holly. It's me, Artemis. Opal's curse ended when she melted. It certainly feels good to be back in control of my own body." He handed the bottle to Holly and stretched his arms, flexing his fingers.

"But… how did you know the water would melt Opal?"

"Simple. That Orion character was living in some kind of fairy-tale mindset, so it made sense that if Opal was a witch, she would melt with water. Fairy-tale logic, if you will."

Holly stepped over the puddle and gave Artemis a tight hug.

"You have no idea how relieving it is not to have to listen to Orion anymore. Where did that blithering idiot come from?"

Artemis shook his head.

"Holly, I have no idea. Though I hate to say it, I suppose he came from inside my mind somewhere." Artemis shuddered.

"Well, I'm just glad he's gone," Holly said.

"Believe me, we all are," Butler affirmed. Juliet shook her head.

"He was freaky. Artemis, promise me you'll never… turn into that or something."

"But my princess needs me!"

Holly hit him on the shoulder.

"Never again, Fowl. You hear me? Never."

"Believe me, Princess, I am very much in favor of that idea."

"Good," Holly said, "Do you know what I had to go through to get you back? I had to- we had to- we had to visit _Minerva_."

Artemis was unsurprised.

"Really? In fact I do know what you went through. I could see everything Orion saw the entire time. And didn't you tell me Minerva was dead?"

Holly colored.

"I may have been misinformed."

"But I wasn't, was I, Foaly?"

"No, mud man, you were not. Now, I am getting sick of all this banter. Can we please mop up Opal, toss those two-" he jerked his head at Merv and Scant, "in the pit and get back to the castle? Trouble's going to be mad enough as it is."

"He always is," remarked Artemis, "Just one more thing. Holly…" He presented her with the rose crystal that Orion had dropped. It really was stunningly beautiful. Holly took it gently and smiled.

"Thanks, Artemis."

"My pleasure. Now, let's get back, shall we?"

No one bothered to mop up the puddle.

And they all lived happily ever after. Right?


End file.
